I was going through one of the hardest times of my life from December 2017-March 2018. Dealing with what I took as persecution, discrimination, and unfair treatment at the hands of people more powerful than I. I resisted, I fought, and I ultimately never received the apology or justice I felt I deserved. In the midst of my pain and struggle, I spoke with a colleague, who said the following words: "Kurtis, God has not left you." I broke down and cried. I beat my chest, fell to my knees, laid myself down in surrender on the floor of my home.
Within a few days, I wrote this.
God has not left you
When you are weary from
the world, tired of fighting,
and lost all hope
God has not left you
When you are attacked, persecuted,
and crushed
He has not left you
When you have tried everything
to remedy your pain and
it's still not enough
He has not left you
When you begin to doubt yourself
and wonder if it's worth it
He is with you
When it feels like no one listens
and the burden is yours alone
He is with you
When injustice and corruption seem
to be winning
He is with you
When you break down and cry out
to Him
He is with you
When fear, anxiety, and brokenness
consume you
He is with you
When you don't know what the future holds
He is with you
Friday, March 8, 2019
Old memos from spiritual journey
77) One day at a time, sweet Jesus.
It's about time you guys came up here to shake a leg!
6/21 by Marie Powell
76) Owensville -> Bainbridge: miles
Bainbridge -> McArthur: 57 miles
McArthur -> Athens -> Good Works: 32 miles
Athens -> Parkersburg: 56 miles
Parkersburg -> Salem: 70 miles
Salem -> Grafton: 32 miles
Grafton -> Mtn Lake Park:
->
Cumberland -> Hancock: 63
Hancock -> Shepherdstown: 56
Shepherdstown -> Great Falls: 73
Rockville -> Alexandria: 33
Alexandria -> Mount Veron -> Alex: 31
Alexandria -> Rockville (UPS) -> 29
75) We have all of Him, but we don't give Him all of us. Second blessings. Unspoken concerns.
74) When people seek spiritual truth, too often they either just take whatever it is they're told or they do nothing at all. 6/17-midnight (12:12am)
73) God, I am just so sick of me right now. All I want is you. Who am I, but your creation. What worth am I apart from You.
I don't want me anymore. I get in the way of us. How can I be with you every second? How can I praise you and learn your ways?
My thoughts, they complicate. My pride, it cripples me. I cannot think straight and I cannot walk in your will when they take over.
Oh, how I fail still. Knowing your truth, yet I cannot act in the knowledge I have of you. Weak body or weak soul, I don't know. It is my mind that is small. Not fully comprehending you and incapable of purest thoughts.
6/18/2009 ~8:10am
72) George Mueller (prayer life)
Hudson Taylor
71) Met Tim Tolliver shortly after Olney. First question he asked was "are you on Crazy Guy on a Bike"? He was really nice. He and his wife bike state parks on touring bikes. A friend of his (probably the guy who offered us help in Flora, the one with the blue truck) said to him he'd seen us and that we were staying at the Flora Motel. He suggested finding a different route (besides 50) for after Washington, In. He said there would be no shoulder and that coal laden trucks from the area would not be considerate.
Tammy cooked us some of the most delicious egg, sausage, bisquit sandwiches I have ever had. Unfortunately, she was already booked with activities and couldn't join us for breakfast.
70) I don't like being in a position where I feel like I have to rush. And that's where I felt I was.
68) This is where fiction lives. Put down your book and just see for yourself.
Live in the (each) moment. We get so caught up in what we have to do that we don't take the time to realize the life we have. 6/4/2009 ~5pm ish
I want to enjoy every day for what it is. I am privileged. Yet, I don't want to isolate myself from the pain and suffering of this world. If I am privileged, it is for a reason. I want to do something to help those in need. 6/5/2009 ~1:15pm
I may have a thousand moments like this. How can I remember them all? The peace penetrates me. My mind, my soul, my heart. The beauty is unbelieveable. This little winery (Sugar Creek) is so far from the world I'm used to. What is heaven if there is such beauty and peace here? 6/5/2009 ~ 1:20pm
67) I was afraid there was something I should be doing, but was not. How do I know what to do, what to think, what to believe everywhere I go? I am presented with new ideas and new experiences everywhere. I have so much to learn. When I encounter something new I don't always know how to react.
Those new ideas can complicate things. My thoughts, my faith, whatnot. I will hold fast to my core. To love God with all my heart, soul, and mind and to love my neighbors as myself. I can do that with relative ease. I believe it and I live it. Then there is a confusion about specific practices, seeing spiritual things, etc. that I simply don't know what to do. I will do whatever God tells me to. I won't be afraid of judgement if I do not believe exactly what others believe. God will show me the truth if/when it is time.
I fell to something my pastor Michael warned me about. I was trying to become hyperspiritual. I was looking for a spiritual reason for everything. My imagination would run wild as a child when reading the Old Testament. Were those stories how I should be experiencing God now? My heart became pressed to find the source of my frustration. It lie in my confusion about spiritual things I could not see nor had any experience with that kept coming up. Am I doing something wrong if I don't know what to believe in regards to spiritual attacks or angels or demons or speaking in tongues or prophesying. I don't understand those things and it made me feel wrong to not understand.
Well, God called me back to Him in the last couple days. He wanted me to understand that I interact with Him in a different way than anyone else. I am no one's carbon copy. God reveals Himself in different ways and gives different instruction to everyone. I simply go where He tells me and leave my preconceived notions and scared anticipation behind. 6/1/2009 ~1:30pm
66) Is this what we need to hear? Have I less faith if I don't think about the end times? Or if I do not speak in tongues?
How much should I concern myself with prophecy about the end times? Only so much as what Jesus says to. He told us to love. Why do we care (why do we worry) about what is to come. We do not know. Even the prophets could not know the time of events to come. So what should we do? We should prepare our hearts and live in the Kingdom of Heaven.
What of the Holy Spirit? I have felt the Holy Spirit. I believe it was given. So? I have not spoken in tongues. I have not prophesied. Does that mean they don't exist? No. Whether someone can or cannot is not for me to decide or judge.
--written sometime during trip likely in eastern Kansas or Missouri.
60) Amidst all my busyness, I have not remembered the significance of my bicycle trip. I was building the ark last semester and now it is raining. I am almost on my voyage. How could I lose sight of the implications? God has given me a mission and I was always going to take it. But I was without emotion for several months after my progress slowed and I eased into the comfort of knowing all would be okay. Because of that I felt empty. I did not see (and surely won't understand fully until some other time) the implications of this trip. God has already changed my heart and He will do so much more.
I don't even understand my feeling right now. I know I've felt desensitized again. I felt like I haven't been really living... somewhat like a drone. 8:10, 5/18/2009
59) Some people call them Sunday Christians, today I heard them likened to Nicodemus (outwardly obedient, but not alive inside), and in February, Michael said it was a difference between knowing about God and knowing God. They all describe my spiritual awakening as I changed from subconscious semi-follower of Jesus to aware of life found in Him. I was a Christian all my life by heritage (that is, I was raised Christian or Christian by coincidence), but I now can claim active participance in the kingdom and life Jesus gives.
The difference was profound. Lost to found. Dead to live. Dark to light. Day and night. 5/14 ~ 9:15
What awakens us? This is no small number of believers so why didn't I see it before? What does it take to see the truth before our eyes?
God's love shown somehow. Friends, strangers... others? Surely. State of heart. Wounded, broken, ready for change.
Perhaps we are oblivious because of self-centeredness. We don't seek God because we know no better.
56) Intellect blinds me from feeling. Too much thought about things we cannot understand but through experiencing. Too much trying to explain what is beyond comprehension. Understanding isn't always knowledge. Understanding of life is known by felt peace that truth brings. Yet, my truth and yours may not align. We cannot have it all right. What is His truth? because of uncertainty, what is certain? And how can we know? Do we ignore the possibility of a truth we have never encountered. We must listen to the wise and listen for God's truth. Truth is sometimes unproven, but no less true. - 5/10 11:30am ----- More than this Love so amazing demands my all come to: real, honest, true... Understanding, life, meaning, purpose, wisdom, communion, purity, unselfishness, commitment, accept humanity coming from: fake, lies, false... Confusion, death, pointlessness, futile, foolishness, separation (loneliness), desparation, judgement what do you serve? Is it everlasting? ----- Jesucristo gracias por la vida que me das. Has amado sin razon y por eso te adoro. Sacrificio no entender ----- 4/29 - 8:30pm I knew then I would follow Him. that meant where ever He led me. I would pray all day for Jason, for Brittany, for Ariel, for Mark, for Levi, for Cynthia, for the world. I want to. A neverending prayer for them to you that you fill them with your life. I want to pray without ceasing. Teach me. The causes are so worthy. Is it not worth all my attention? How do I give it all for you? ----- Baptism 4/19/09 - 11:15am When I was baptized at 8 years old I had no spiritual awakening and I had had no awakening before that time. I was doing what Chrisitans do. I knew about God and believed in Jesus Christ, but there was no rebirth in me as I was dipped in the water. Should I be baptized again by a man now that my faith in Jesus Christ has been fully realized? No. I have been baptized by Jesus Christ himself. My soul is reborn. My life changed. I need no symbol to show my commitment to a life I live not for myself, but for my God. My old life in this world is done and gone. I cannot return to my confusion. I am reborn only by the grace of God. For He pursued me first. I could not argue with the evidence provided me that He wants me. I experience His love and I could not turn from that. His love is free and it is not. He will never stop giving love. I must accept it. And that is not free because in accepting His love I pay a price. I must die. My old life in the world must be done away with. Full pursuit of God's truth is what I pay. ----- 4/13 - 11am Tell me you don't want love. I dare you. Are you in despair? Is that why? It all seems pointless? I tell you you have no choice. You are loved. An the greatest thing of this love is it's unending, unceasing power over this world. No matter what you do, no matter what happens, His love spells victory over burdens and sorrow. It is more than you can know, but IT IS, whether we want it, accept it, or realize it. ---------New entry ---- I know you. Everything about you. You walk in silence. I hear your thoughts. You labor in pain. I know your motives. You weep in sorrow, destitution. I understand. I love you. You sing and dance. I celebrate life with you. I want you. You don't seek me. I am with you. You ignore me. I could fill you. You turn and run. I give life. You live in death. It is finished. You can rest. I am. 4/11 (finished 7am) ----------------------- I know why you live, why you cry, why you dance, what you hold inside. Every thought , every move, every smile. (from 4/10) ---New Entry--- Easter (to the melody of How Deep the Father's Love for Us): 4/9 and 4/11 Pain and sorrow were laid to rest Hope seemed lost, but He came back. He proved His love and cleared our names at last our debts have been repayed. So long we lived each day for us, His grace and love are sure enough to fill the void we can't ourselves free at last from our own hell. That we at last return to Him we once were lost, but now we're found. Brought back by love and ne'er again to face this life apart from Him. ----(cont...)--- Our foolish ways and lonely days need be no more His death brought life I owe Him all I owe Him naught but return the love His parents and friends mourned, was their hope lost? Nay, for life reborn emerged that day His greatest o love for all ---New entry--- Surrender. Surrender to the life He offers. We may believe, but not give in to the freedom and peace from troubles. We are burdened by the world, but His grace frees us! Why don't we take it in? Why aren't we changed? Is it because we lack understanding? Is it because we have not experienced His love? I am free. I've surrendered. Nothing in this life has greater significance than His love. After this, the pain and troubles which cause sorrow are not my burden. I let Him take them from me. Glory to God in the highest! Praise be to His name for His mercy and grace, His compassion and love. Please opent the hearts of my brothers, Lord. Please show them your truth and let it change them. I feel their hurt and know you alone permanently alleviate it all. Amen. 4/5/2009 -11:30 ----- 3/29 -11am I think I have the spiritual gift of crying. 3/22 - 2:22 Are you waiting for the future? Why not 3/29 ... live in the future now. 3/22/09 - 11:40am And how much did I know the kingdom before January? How much did I know I was in it? Was I already there (or aware I was there, or having greater understanding of God's love demonstrated through these people), I would not have been so profoundly affected by the welcome and love of these visitors. I now believe I was incomplete without knowing God's love. I did not really know it. Now I let it pervade my life. I am today in His kingdom. I will spread it just as it was spread to me, for it is of greatest worth to be where He and His love dwells. To choose His kingdom, one must know there is such a place. I never wanted to leave His kingdom again and never could. Cru 3/19 Romans 12:1-2 Decision vs commitment commitment goes way beyond. A lot of people have made a decision for Christ, but not fully committed. -------------- If I have found the answer, the light, the good news... I remember being lost. There is no way I cannot petition for all the other souls on earth in prayer that they would find You too. 3/17 7:05pm The most painful death imaginable, pain of hunger, suffocation, hardest impact... It is all joy compared to life outside His Kingdom. Greater sorrow I cannot imagine than to not be in His Kingdom now. And I am in His Kingdom now. I want everyone else to escape self-withheld (comfort), peace, and joy.
75) We have all of Him, but we don't give Him all of us. Second blessings. Unspoken concerns.
74) When people seek spiritual truth, too often they either just take whatever it is they're told or they do nothing at all. 6/17-midnight (12:12am)
73) God, I am just so sick of me right now. All I want is you. Who am I, but your creation. What worth am I apart from You.
I don't want me anymore. I get in the way of us. How can I be with you every second? How can I praise you and learn your ways?
My thoughts, they complicate. My pride, it cripples me. I cannot think straight and I cannot walk in your will when they take over.
Oh, how I fail still. Knowing your truth, yet I cannot act in the knowledge I have of you. Weak body or weak soul, I don't know. It is my mind that is small. Not fully comprehending you and incapable of purest thoughts.
6/18/2009 ~8:10am
72) George Mueller (prayer life)
Hudson Taylor
71) Met Tim Tolliver shortly after Olney. First question he asked was "are you on Crazy Guy on a Bike"? He was really nice. He and his wife bike state parks on touring bikes. A friend of his (probably the guy who offered us help in Flora, the one with the blue truck) said to him he'd seen us and that we were staying at the Flora Motel. He suggested finding a different route (besides 50) for after Washington, In. He said there would be no shoulder and that coal laden trucks from the area would not be considerate.
Tammy cooked us some of the most delicious egg, sausage, bisquit sandwiches I have ever had. Unfortunately, she was already booked with activities and couldn't join us for breakfast.
70) I don't like being in a position where I feel like I have to rush. And that's where I felt I was.
68) This is where fiction lives. Put down your book and just see for yourself.
Live in the (each) moment. We get so caught up in what we have to do that we don't take the time to realize the life we have. 6/4/2009 ~5pm ish
I want to enjoy every day for what it is. I am privileged. Yet, I don't want to isolate myself from the pain and suffering of this world. If I am privileged, it is for a reason. I want to do something to help those in need. 6/5/2009 ~1:15pm
I may have a thousand moments like this. How can I remember them all? The peace penetrates me. My mind, my soul, my heart. The beauty is unbelieveable. This little winery (Sugar Creek) is so far from the world I'm used to. What is heaven if there is such beauty and peace here? 6/5/2009 ~ 1:20pm
67) I was afraid there was something I should be doing, but was not. How do I know what to do, what to think, what to believe everywhere I go? I am presented with new ideas and new experiences everywhere. I have so much to learn. When I encounter something new I don't always know how to react.
Those new ideas can complicate things. My thoughts, my faith, whatnot. I will hold fast to my core. To love God with all my heart, soul, and mind and to love my neighbors as myself. I can do that with relative ease. I believe it and I live it. Then there is a confusion about specific practices, seeing spiritual things, etc. that I simply don't know what to do. I will do whatever God tells me to. I won't be afraid of judgement if I do not believe exactly what others believe. God will show me the truth if/when it is time.
I fell to something my pastor Michael warned me about. I was trying to become hyperspiritual. I was looking for a spiritual reason for everything. My imagination would run wild as a child when reading the Old Testament. Were those stories how I should be experiencing God now? My heart became pressed to find the source of my frustration. It lie in my confusion about spiritual things I could not see nor had any experience with that kept coming up. Am I doing something wrong if I don't know what to believe in regards to spiritual attacks or angels or demons or speaking in tongues or prophesying. I don't understand those things and it made me feel wrong to not understand.
Well, God called me back to Him in the last couple days. He wanted me to understand that I interact with Him in a different way than anyone else. I am no one's carbon copy. God reveals Himself in different ways and gives different instruction to everyone. I simply go where He tells me and leave my preconceived notions and scared anticipation behind. 6/1/2009 ~1:30pm
66) Is this what we need to hear? Have I less faith if I don't think about the end times? Or if I do not speak in tongues?
How much should I concern myself with prophecy about the end times? Only so much as what Jesus says to. He told us to love. Why do we care (why do we worry) about what is to come. We do not know. Even the prophets could not know the time of events to come. So what should we do? We should prepare our hearts and live in the Kingdom of Heaven.
What of the Holy Spirit? I have felt the Holy Spirit. I believe it was given. So? I have not spoken in tongues. I have not prophesied. Does that mean they don't exist? No. Whether someone can or cannot is not for me to decide or judge.
--written sometime during trip likely in eastern Kansas or Missouri.
60) Amidst all my busyness, I have not remembered the significance of my bicycle trip. I was building the ark last semester and now it is raining. I am almost on my voyage. How could I lose sight of the implications? God has given me a mission and I was always going to take it. But I was without emotion for several months after my progress slowed and I eased into the comfort of knowing all would be okay. Because of that I felt empty. I did not see (and surely won't understand fully until some other time) the implications of this trip. God has already changed my heart and He will do so much more.
I don't even understand my feeling right now. I know I've felt desensitized again. I felt like I haven't been really living... somewhat like a drone. 8:10, 5/18/2009
59) Some people call them Sunday Christians, today I heard them likened to Nicodemus (outwardly obedient, but not alive inside), and in February, Michael said it was a difference between knowing about God and knowing God. They all describe my spiritual awakening as I changed from subconscious semi-follower of Jesus to aware of life found in Him. I was a Christian all my life by heritage (that is, I was raised Christian or Christian by coincidence), but I now can claim active participance in the kingdom and life Jesus gives.
The difference was profound. Lost to found. Dead to live. Dark to light. Day and night. 5/14 ~ 9:15
What awakens us? This is no small number of believers so why didn't I see it before? What does it take to see the truth before our eyes?
God's love shown somehow. Friends, strangers... others? Surely. State of heart. Wounded, broken, ready for change.
Perhaps we are oblivious because of self-centeredness. We don't seek God because we know no better.
56) Intellect blinds me from feeling. Too much thought about things we cannot understand but through experiencing. Too much trying to explain what is beyond comprehension. Understanding isn't always knowledge. Understanding of life is known by felt peace that truth brings. Yet, my truth and yours may not align. We cannot have it all right. What is His truth? because of uncertainty, what is certain? And how can we know? Do we ignore the possibility of a truth we have never encountered. We must listen to the wise and listen for God's truth. Truth is sometimes unproven, but no less true. - 5/10 11:30am ----- More than this Love so amazing demands my all come to: real, honest, true... Understanding, life, meaning, purpose, wisdom, communion, purity, unselfishness, commitment, accept humanity coming from: fake, lies, false... Confusion, death, pointlessness, futile, foolishness, separation (loneliness), desparation, judgement what do you serve? Is it everlasting? ----- Jesucristo gracias por la vida que me das. Has amado sin razon y por eso te adoro. Sacrificio no entender ----- 4/29 - 8:30pm I knew then I would follow Him. that meant where ever He led me. I would pray all day for Jason, for Brittany, for Ariel, for Mark, for Levi, for Cynthia, for the world. I want to. A neverending prayer for them to you that you fill them with your life. I want to pray without ceasing. Teach me. The causes are so worthy. Is it not worth all my attention? How do I give it all for you? ----- Baptism 4/19/09 - 11:15am When I was baptized at 8 years old I had no spiritual awakening and I had had no awakening before that time. I was doing what Chrisitans do. I knew about God and believed in Jesus Christ, but there was no rebirth in me as I was dipped in the water. Should I be baptized again by a man now that my faith in Jesus Christ has been fully realized? No. I have been baptized by Jesus Christ himself. My soul is reborn. My life changed. I need no symbol to show my commitment to a life I live not for myself, but for my God. My old life in this world is done and gone. I cannot return to my confusion. I am reborn only by the grace of God. For He pursued me first. I could not argue with the evidence provided me that He wants me. I experience His love and I could not turn from that. His love is free and it is not. He will never stop giving love. I must accept it. And that is not free because in accepting His love I pay a price. I must die. My old life in the world must be done away with. Full pursuit of God's truth is what I pay. ----- 4/13 - 11am Tell me you don't want love. I dare you. Are you in despair? Is that why? It all seems pointless? I tell you you have no choice. You are loved. An the greatest thing of this love is it's unending, unceasing power over this world. No matter what you do, no matter what happens, His love spells victory over burdens and sorrow. It is more than you can know, but IT IS, whether we want it, accept it, or realize it. ---------New entry ---- I know you. Everything about you. You walk in silence. I hear your thoughts. You labor in pain. I know your motives. You weep in sorrow, destitution. I understand. I love you. You sing and dance. I celebrate life with you. I want you. You don't seek me. I am with you. You ignore me. I could fill you. You turn and run. I give life. You live in death. It is finished. You can rest. I am. 4/11 (finished 7am) ----------------------- I know why you live, why you cry, why you dance, what you hold inside. Every thought , every move, every smile. (from 4/10) ---New Entry--- Easter (to the melody of How Deep the Father's Love for Us): 4/9 and 4/11 Pain and sorrow were laid to rest Hope seemed lost, but He came back. He proved His love and cleared our names at last our debts have been repayed. So long we lived each day for us, His grace and love are sure enough to fill the void we can't ourselves free at last from our own hell. That we at last return to Him we once were lost, but now we're found. Brought back by love and ne'er again to face this life apart from Him. ----(cont...)--- Our foolish ways and lonely days need be no more His death brought life I owe Him all I owe Him naught but return the love His parents and friends mourned, was their hope lost? Nay, for life reborn emerged that day His greatest o love for all ---New entry--- Surrender. Surrender to the life He offers. We may believe, but not give in to the freedom and peace from troubles. We are burdened by the world, but His grace frees us! Why don't we take it in? Why aren't we changed? Is it because we lack understanding? Is it because we have not experienced His love? I am free. I've surrendered. Nothing in this life has greater significance than His love. After this, the pain and troubles which cause sorrow are not my burden. I let Him take them from me. Glory to God in the highest! Praise be to His name for His mercy and grace, His compassion and love. Please opent the hearts of my brothers, Lord. Please show them your truth and let it change them. I feel their hurt and know you alone permanently alleviate it all. Amen. 4/5/2009 -11:30 ----- 3/29 -11am I think I have the spiritual gift of crying. 3/22 - 2:22 Are you waiting for the future? Why not 3/29 ... live in the future now. 3/22/09 - 11:40am And how much did I know the kingdom before January? How much did I know I was in it? Was I already there (or aware I was there, or having greater understanding of God's love demonstrated through these people), I would not have been so profoundly affected by the welcome and love of these visitors. I now believe I was incomplete without knowing God's love. I did not really know it. Now I let it pervade my life. I am today in His kingdom. I will spread it just as it was spread to me, for it is of greatest worth to be where He and His love dwells. To choose His kingdom, one must know there is such a place. I never wanted to leave His kingdom again and never could. Cru 3/19 Romans 12:1-2 Decision vs commitment commitment goes way beyond. A lot of people have made a decision for Christ, but not fully committed. -------------- If I have found the answer, the light, the good news... I remember being lost. There is no way I cannot petition for all the other souls on earth in prayer that they would find You too. 3/17 7:05pm The most painful death imaginable, pain of hunger, suffocation, hardest impact... It is all joy compared to life outside His Kingdom. Greater sorrow I cannot imagine than to not be in His Kingdom now. And I am in His Kingdom now. I want everyone else to escape self-withheld (comfort), peace, and joy.
3/5 737pm
What will heaven be like?
No more human pain and suffering?
No more foolish mistakes and sins?
God in all his glory and splendor!
At last with him and no more distractions!
And should we wait until that day?
Why not start eternity now?
There is no reason. None at all.
Yes we are human and sin.
Can we not be in the kingdom already?
3/4 745pm
When all is well we don't need him.
I don't need you
I'm happy where I am
I have all I ever wanted
I have almost all I could hope for
All I need is wealth and fame
All I need is attention
All I need a success
All I need is happiness
But what is all that?
What is ambition for?
In what ways does having fame and
wealth bring me happiness?
Why do I crave attention?
What success brings me joy?
What is in my heart?
Why should I not serve myself?
I am first and foremost.
My neighbor can take care of themselves.
We are all broken
Tell me you are whole
Look at yourself and tell me you're perfect
Tell me why I should care about you?
I am first and foremost.
You ask why you should help me
You are first and foremost
What if I am not the most important?
What if I could help your suffering?
What if I examined myself and
discovered I am missing something?
What could be wrong with me so I have it all?
Why do I make these mistakes?
Why do I have pain?
Why am I distressed?
My heart is sore from the things of this world,
though I have all I ever wanted.
Right?
Something is missing.
I will search.
What is there to fill this void?
To ease my pain, fix my hurt
Am I satisfied at the first sign of comfort?
I tried material wealth
I wanted more, this wouldn't satisfy
I tried knowledge
I could not learn it all, too many questions remain
I tried relationships
They were broken
I tried to hide
I could not hide from my heart
I tried to run
I could not escape myself
What is missing?
2/28 9:50am
Are we not an amazing civilization? Have we not done spectacular things with our knowledge, our natural bounty, and our privileges? Look at our buildings with their great architecture, structural integrity, and all their amenities. Do we not live in great comfort and have all we could need? We are truly blessed. Look at how we entertain ourselves. We have advanced our technological capabilities to various ends, we enjoy leisure in nature, our great roadways and vehicles take us where we need to go, we have adapted nature to our needs when it is too hot or too cold allowing us to live anywhere in the comfort we desire. We have much knowledge and it is freely available.
We are a society that has been blessed beyond measure. We cannot count all the ways. Our society is rampant with selfishness in all corners. We have squandered our gifts to make ourselves more happy and comfortable. We have lived beyond our means to live in luxury. Luxury has betrayed us. For what do we want that we cannot have? Why do we 'need' so much? I use more than I need. What I 'need'is subjective. I make excuses to justify my luxurious lifestyle. In truth, I know exactly what is essential to survive. Food, water, shelter, clothing... relationships. While I over-eat, -drink, -spend, -use, and have my greed or conform to others' standards, my neighbors suffer. Everywhere they suffer. I hope they have all they need, but I know they do not. What can we do? Why should we care?
2/1 ~4:15pm
Two things before I get started on what God has been teaching me. One I'm not ready for everything all at once. God will prepare my heart before I need to use new skills. I do not need to be ready just because I had this awakening two weeks ago (so to speak). I was not ready then for what was to come, but God softened my heart (through trusted wisdom of friends, prayer, and dwelling in scripture) and helped me learn and grow. He will guide me every step and prepare me for what is to come in an orderly and timely fashion. I need to maintain patience and know when I am ready or not for certain things. Oh and I forgot the second thing. I'm still excited.
2/6/2009 ~11am
What is in my hands? Weather is not. Other people are not. Only my decisions. What does this mean, what will I choose to do? God's got the whole world in his hands. He sees all, knows all. He does not control my every action. Or my thoughts. Why would I give myself as a servant to him? Ought I reply 'where else would I go?' Out should I be more intentive with my response? How about, the creator of the universe wants me to be in relationship with him. He gives me life, breath, joy, happiness. He can take it away as well. He could impose dominion over me, but gives me a choice. I am more fulfilled when I live with him in my heart and mind and I want to please him.
2/21 ~10am
We are the jewels in your crown (crown jewels) O lord tarnished by sin, but your glory shines through your Son's sacrifice. Your people, your children can be made clean and resplendent by acceptance of your grace. Let us shine as bright (brighter than!) as the stars for you, bringing worth and glory to you. Why would we want to be dusty, dirty, or smudged when we know we can be clean and pure. We are with you and you with us whether we know it or not. I want to be beautiful in your sight all for your glory and splendor. Why should I be jealous of my brothers or sisters? The only thing of true worth is love. Your love and our love. We have your love so we should not be jealous of our neighbors. We should all seek to be as shimmering jewels as possible. Should I have pride in how I shine? Yes, but I should want all others as bright as me.
What will heaven be like?
No more human pain and suffering?
No more foolish mistakes and sins?
God in all his glory and splendor!
At last with him and no more distractions!
And should we wait until that day?
Why not start eternity now?
There is no reason. None at all.
Yes we are human and sin.
Can we not be in the kingdom already?
3/4 745pm
When all is well we don't need him.
I don't need you
I'm happy where I am
I have all I ever wanted
I have almost all I could hope for
All I need is wealth and fame
All I need is attention
All I need a success
All I need is happiness
But what is all that?
What is ambition for?
In what ways does having fame and
wealth bring me happiness?
Why do I crave attention?
What success brings me joy?
What is in my heart?
Why should I not serve myself?
I am first and foremost.
My neighbor can take care of themselves.
We are all broken
Tell me you are whole
Look at yourself and tell me you're perfect
Tell me why I should care about you?
I am first and foremost.
You ask why you should help me
You are first and foremost
What if I am not the most important?
What if I could help your suffering?
What if I examined myself and
discovered I am missing something?
What could be wrong with me so I have it all?
Why do I make these mistakes?
Why do I have pain?
Why am I distressed?
My heart is sore from the things of this world,
though I have all I ever wanted.
Right?
Something is missing.
I will search.
What is there to fill this void?
To ease my pain, fix my hurt
Am I satisfied at the first sign of comfort?
I tried material wealth
I wanted more, this wouldn't satisfy
I tried knowledge
I could not learn it all, too many questions remain
I tried relationships
They were broken
I tried to hide
I could not hide from my heart
I tried to run
I could not escape myself
What is missing?
2/28 9:50am
Are we not an amazing civilization? Have we not done spectacular things with our knowledge, our natural bounty, and our privileges? Look at our buildings with their great architecture, structural integrity, and all their amenities. Do we not live in great comfort and have all we could need? We are truly blessed. Look at how we entertain ourselves. We have advanced our technological capabilities to various ends, we enjoy leisure in nature, our great roadways and vehicles take us where we need to go, we have adapted nature to our needs when it is too hot or too cold allowing us to live anywhere in the comfort we desire. We have much knowledge and it is freely available.
We are a society that has been blessed beyond measure. We cannot count all the ways. Our society is rampant with selfishness in all corners. We have squandered our gifts to make ourselves more happy and comfortable. We have lived beyond our means to live in luxury. Luxury has betrayed us. For what do we want that we cannot have? Why do we 'need' so much? I use more than I need. What I 'need'is subjective. I make excuses to justify my luxurious lifestyle. In truth, I know exactly what is essential to survive. Food, water, shelter, clothing... relationships. While I over-eat, -drink, -spend, -use, and have my greed or conform to others' standards, my neighbors suffer. Everywhere they suffer. I hope they have all they need, but I know they do not. What can we do? Why should we care?
2/1 ~4:15pm
Two things before I get started on what God has been teaching me. One I'm not ready for everything all at once. God will prepare my heart before I need to use new skills. I do not need to be ready just because I had this awakening two weeks ago (so to speak). I was not ready then for what was to come, but God softened my heart (through trusted wisdom of friends, prayer, and dwelling in scripture) and helped me learn and grow. He will guide me every step and prepare me for what is to come in an orderly and timely fashion. I need to maintain patience and know when I am ready or not for certain things. Oh and I forgot the second thing. I'm still excited.
2/6/2009 ~11am
What is in my hands? Weather is not. Other people are not. Only my decisions. What does this mean, what will I choose to do? God's got the whole world in his hands. He sees all, knows all. He does not control my every action. Or my thoughts. Why would I give myself as a servant to him? Ought I reply 'where else would I go?' Out should I be more intentive with my response? How about, the creator of the universe wants me to be in relationship with him. He gives me life, breath, joy, happiness. He can take it away as well. He could impose dominion over me, but gives me a choice. I am more fulfilled when I live with him in my heart and mind and I want to please him.
2/21 ~10am
We are the jewels in your crown (crown jewels) O lord tarnished by sin, but your glory shines through your Son's sacrifice. Your people, your children can be made clean and resplendent by acceptance of your grace. Let us shine as bright (brighter than!) as the stars for you, bringing worth and glory to you. Why would we want to be dusty, dirty, or smudged when we know we can be clean and pure. We are with you and you with us whether we know it or not. I want to be beautiful in your sight all for your glory and splendor. Why should I be jealous of my brothers or sisters? The only thing of true worth is love. Your love and our love. We have your love so we should not be jealous of our neighbors. We should all seek to be as shimmering jewels as possible. Should I have pride in how I shine? Yes, but I should want all others as bright as me.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Creating Change: It's a Bumpy Ride
Dear friends,
I can’t believe it has been three months of working on
Compassion by the Book (CBTB) full time already. I want to give you a bird’s
eye view of my work. In typical Kurtis fashion, I will give it to you in complete
honesty. If you’ve donated to this work, you deserve to know everything that we’ve
been up to in the last three months and to hear about the hope we have for the
future.
When I started on October 1, we had two months of funds to move CBTB forward. It has been nothing short of a
miracle and testament to God’s provision that CBTB has secured funding through
the end of February. I want to quickly say “THANK YOU!” to the folks who have
donated to fulfill our mission. Your support means more than I can say.
Nonprofit work is not glamorous. I won’t sugar coat it. These
three months have posed huge challenges. Fundraising has been one of the most
difficult things I have ever done. Amidst the challenge, I have had moments of
sheer amazement at the love that friends and strangers have in joining me in
this endeavor. I’m also amazed by the power of perseverance. If at first you
don’t succeed, try, try again!
As I am about to describe, the current state of CBTB is not
pretty. However, I have reason to believe that CBTB is on the verge of
something incredible. If you are able to read through the painful
circumstances, I promise you will see light at the end of the tunnel… a
brighter light than we would see if things all went according to our initial plan.
At the beginning of the quarter, I had great hope for the growth
of our textbook fundraising program because of some technological changes and
prospective partnerships. I envisioned a slight change to our model that would
help us overcome sales tax issues and encourage more groups to make use of the
program. I tested the new technology and unfortunately, it was more burdensome
than helpful and did not solve our issues with sales tax (which has kept us
from growing outside of Colorado). As for the prospective partnership, it fell
through, meaning that CBTB would not grow instantaneously to 10 more campuses. It
quickly became apparent that we needed to change our model to overcome barriers
to entry and barriers to growth.
Shortly after my big fundraising push for Colorado Gives Day,
I found out that several of our student groups would not be participating this
semester. The primary reason for this is leadership transitions in our participating
student groups.
A couple weeks ago, we were informed that our Regis Chapter
would be absorbed by Regis University (due to circumstances beyond our control)
and will no longer be affiliated with CBTB. This comes as a heavy hit to our current
participation, but we are glad that the Chapter we started will continue to
operate under Regis’ umbrella.
One more piece of bad news: our current model cannot financially
sustain the work we are doing. You see, taking more time to fundraise means
there is less time to work on the program. I cannot justify spending all my
time fundraising and not making progress with the program. It is my personal
belief that CBTB, as a social enterprise, should be at least partially financially
self-sufficient, and some changes are needed to make that happen.
On the bright side, CBTB has been able to help students contribute over $13,000 to their chosen causes this year.
Since mid-October, I have been working on researching and
exploring new ways to implement our program that will offer sustainability and
scalability. It seemed like every week I found a solution or had some epiphany,
only to later have it crushed or found infeasible.
Last week, I was doodling on my white board, considering how
CBTB would find a solution to the many issues noted above. I started with the
basics: what problem is CBTB solving, what is our vision, and what are our
strengths.
Somehow it dawned on me that CBTB was trying to be too many
things to the wrong people. What I wanted for CBTB when I started was to
replicate my experience for other students and give organizations a powerful
tool to make a difference.
Disclaimer: My idea could be the latest in my weekly
epiphanies to be shot down. Or it could morph and grow and help CBTB become the
organization we have sought to be for four years. I believe it is the latter
and offers CBTB the best chance for achieving our mission of cultivating a
philanthropic lifestyle in students to create change. Still, the board of directors of CBTB needs to vet the idea and approve it before it is adopted.
So here it is: I believe that CBTB needs to focus its
attention on finding, recruiting, and cultivating at least one champion on each campus. Each champion will undergo a year-long
fellowship with CBTB to learn about social enterprise and philanthropy while
operating a CBTB branch (under our group exemption, for my nonprofit readers)
on their campus. Each champion will be responsible for recruiting and managing
students and organizations to participate in textbook fundraising by collecting
and donating books and volunteering their time. The champion would handle all
the business aspects for their campus and give their fellow students an
opportunity to give books and time with a low barrier to entry. Student groups wishing to raise funds would be awarded with funds based on the
number of books they donate and percentage of volunteer time they give. Upon
successful completion of the fellowship, champions would receive a scholarship
provided out of the funds they raised through textbook fundraising.
I’ve always said anyone can sell books and give the money
away. Any student organization could conduct a textbook fundraiser. There's probably a reason that not every group does do this. I’ve found
that only the really strong leaders will be brave enough and capable enough to
execute this activity. We should not try to convince all student organizations
to participate. Instead, I believe CBTB should find those willing to take more
responsibility for personal and professional development and who have an
interest in empowering their whole campus.
My solution does not entirely address the problems. We still have a need for ongoing funding for CBTB. Having a strong program, however, is infinitely more
fundable than an ineffective one. I’ll worry about the funding when we get there.
In the meantime, I hope to grow our program into one worth funding.
CBTB has many resources to aid our growth. We have a fantastic board of directors, including Dennis Griess, Kevin Kuoni, Michelle Norris, Ray Pownall, myself, and Chris Spitzer; amazing volunteers including Joseph Garcia and Kait McNamee (branding, creating new website), Cindy Fitzsimons, Laura Barnett, and Ed Vaughn; wonderful students and alumni of our programs; and numerous other counselors and advisers. And of course, our work would not be possible without the many financial partners of our mission.
CBTB has many resources to aid our growth. We have a fantastic board of directors, including Dennis Griess, Kevin Kuoni, Michelle Norris, Ray Pownall, myself, and Chris Spitzer; amazing volunteers including Joseph Garcia and Kait McNamee (branding, creating new website), Cindy Fitzsimons, Laura Barnett, and Ed Vaughn; wonderful students and alumni of our programs; and numerous other counselors and advisers. And of course, our work would not be possible without the many financial partners of our mission.
This year promises to be an interesting one. I’ll keep pressing
on, doing my best, and keep you informed. Thank you for your encouragement and support. It is a bumpy ride, but well worth it.
Sincerely,
 |
| Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! |
Sincerely,
Kurtis Griess
Saturday, August 20, 2011
A New Opportunity
As of Wednesday, August 10, I officially started my position as a "Math Fellow" at Denver Public Schools - specifically, Denver Center for International Studies (DCIS) at Montbello.
The Denver Math Fellows are tutors for students at 7 schools in DPS under a program (through Blueprint Schools Network) to turn around low-performing schools. Each student at these 7 schools will have one hour of math tutoring every day for the whole year. I will have the same twelve 6th grade students (2 at a time) every day.
How it Happened
In June, I had an itch to see if I could find any substitute teaching positions in the Denver area to supplement my income while I continue work developing the non-profit Compassion by the Book. I have survived on about $4,000 of savings the past year and worked solely as a volunteer founding and getting CBTB off the ground. However, a series of events (namely a car breakdown) resulted in my savings drying up more quickly than expected in May.
So, as I explored websites for subbing jobs, on the third website (DPS's), I found the Denver Math Fellows program. I applied, attended a screening event, interviewed, participated in a mock tutorial session with a real-life 6th grader, and was notified I would be hired the next day!
What's Next?
My salary and benefits as a DPS employee will help me continue to work on Compassion by the Book. I will be working on CBTB nights and weekends and have already found a renewed focus everytime I get home to expand and develop CBTB. Since I will have greater financial security, I will not have to start fundraising a salary with CBTB prematurely and can continue to focus the majority of my efforts on the textbook fundraising program.
I appreciate all the efforts of my friends and family to help me follow my dreams this last year (especially my parents, who have allowed me to live at home, store thousands of books, and have kept me fed). I am thankful now for this opportunity to touch the lives of young students at DCIS and to continue my efforts with Compassion by the Book.
The Denver Math Fellows are tutors for students at 7 schools in DPS under a program (through Blueprint Schools Network) to turn around low-performing schools. Each student at these 7 schools will have one hour of math tutoring every day for the whole year. I will have the same twelve 6th grade students (2 at a time) every day.
How it Happened
In June, I had an itch to see if I could find any substitute teaching positions in the Denver area to supplement my income while I continue work developing the non-profit Compassion by the Book. I have survived on about $4,000 of savings the past year and worked solely as a volunteer founding and getting CBTB off the ground. However, a series of events (namely a car breakdown) resulted in my savings drying up more quickly than expected in May.
So, as I explored websites for subbing jobs, on the third website (DPS's), I found the Denver Math Fellows program. I applied, attended a screening event, interviewed, participated in a mock tutorial session with a real-life 6th grader, and was notified I would be hired the next day!
What's Next?
My salary and benefits as a DPS employee will help me continue to work on Compassion by the Book. I will be working on CBTB nights and weekends and have already found a renewed focus everytime I get home to expand and develop CBTB. Since I will have greater financial security, I will not have to start fundraising a salary with CBTB prematurely and can continue to focus the majority of my efforts on the textbook fundraising program.
I appreciate all the efforts of my friends and family to help me follow my dreams this last year (especially my parents, who have allowed me to live at home, store thousands of books, and have kept me fed). I am thankful now for this opportunity to touch the lives of young students at DCIS and to continue my efforts with Compassion by the Book.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
The Mountain
I go to my mountain
when I need to be alone with God.
When I need to leave the world.
I bask in his presence there.
He takes my yoke from me.
I sing, I run, I dance.
I rest in peace.
There I go to be free.
I wish I could be on my mountain all the time.
But I must remember
his presence never leaves me.
I go to cry too.
I connect with myself.
Where I am.
Where I have been.
There is no hiding there.
There is no need.
His love pervades all.
No where can I go that he is not.
I remember what matters there.
I cannot be distracted.
I meet my maker
and die to the world.
Oh that I could live
forever on the mountain.
Monday, April 4, 2011
2 Years with Cynthia
Yesterday marked two years since I asked Cynthia to be my girlfriend. It was the perfect weather to celebrate. We had a record high of 84 degrees on Saturday and yesterday, Sunday, we had snow. It was a wonderful re-creation of our first night as a couple.
We decided to go back where I first asked her out, but before we left, I wanted to share my journal entry from the day following. This is how I recounted the experience.
April 4, 2009 ~7 pm
---
...
Jump ahead to last night and early this morning. I went on another date with Cynthia. We were supposed to go to an art gallery of the sister of her friend Ana. That sort of fell through. I met her friend Sid, had Spanish Tortilla (which she cooked at her dorm), and drove out to Golden instead.
Rather crazily, we decided to go on a hike in the snow and in the dark. It was cold, hard to walk (because it was slick), and totally fantastic. We went up to the M because I know it very well. We walked up to the top left corner (on the outside of the fence) and embraced for a very long time. Early on in the embrace (perhaps
"barely" 11 pm) I nervously told her I needed to talk to her sometime. She nudged me on by saying "okay, when?" "I suppose now is as good as any time," I continued.
The snow was fluctuating between light and hard. We were fairly warm there together. Down the hill, where you can see Golden and Denver on a clear night, we were surrounded by a cloud that obscured all but two lights. Until suddenly the clouds would break a little revealing what looked like constellations below. When it was just the two lights I felt like we might have been out at sea suddenly coming into view of a lighthouse. It was quiet except for our voices, the wind, the snow, and the occasional car. Well, I suppose I could hear the highway off in the distance. "Well, okay. I'm pretty nervous," I said.
She said, "I make you nervous?"
"No, I make me nervous. I don't know what I'm doing."
"It's okay, don't be nervous."
"Okay. I really like you and I really like spending time with you."
"I really like you too."
The rest of the dialogue is a little fuzzy. I proceeded to explain that I have no experience in having girlfriends and that was why I was nervous. She reassured me she thought I was doing fine. We talked there a long time. She talked about her experience in relationships... she hasn't had many boyfriends either. After probably a half an hour we started to make our descent. On the way down I explained that that was probably the closest to a DTR that I could do.
"Are you going to ask me?" She said.
I said, "Ummm. Yes." (and I thought, "you dummy, ask her then") "Okay," I continued, "would you be... or would you like to be considered as my girlfriend?"
I was so nervous. This is virgin territory for me. I knew she was interested, but I was nervous because I really don't know what being a boyfriend exactly implies... She said "it means you don't kiss other girls." She went on that we would have a Christ-centered relationship and we would pray for guidance about what this would all be like. Did I ever mention I like this girl? I had been having the exact same desires in the past few weeks as I was thinking about what a relationship should be like. We had made it back to the established path by then. The snow was at its thickest then.
When we made it back to the car, someone drove up from the opposite direction. They were slowing down. ("What the heck," I was thinking). Did the lights flash on or did the cop just come out and start talking to us? I don't remember. He asked if we'd had anything to drink. "No," we both answered. He went into a spiel about underaged drinking. "I'm 22." He continued.
"What are you guys doing?"
"We were hiking."
"At this time of night? In this weather?"
"Yeah."
I was a bit sheepish, it was obviously dangerous and foolish. I explained about the flashlight that wouldn't work, that I was in Blue Key and knew the M well, and in general was a blabbering fool. He relaxed his demeanor and explained why this was a bad idea and how if he was from Jeffco instead I'd probably be getting a ticket. He was actually very nice by the end and just warned us to be careful on the way down because visibility was poor and there were many accidents.
Eventually Cynthia and I made it back to Regis where we sat and talked for more than an hour (until past 2 am). I was nervous again. Should I kiss her? I was a chicken. I was open with my fears. We talked about boundaries (and what better time than to discuss this before any barrier is breached). She was holding my hand.
"Is holding hands okay?" she asked me.
"Yes," I chuckled.
"Sex is off limits," she said at some point - which I know that she knew I was on the same level with her.
"I'm okay with kissing, I think," I told her.
"Me too."
She sat in what I thought must be an uncomfortable position the whole time (though she denied any discomfort at all) so that she could rest against my chest. Our hands were intertwined and her's were caressing mine. My heart was thudding hard in my chest. We talked a long time. She looked so pretty and the look she would give me dazzled me. Her mascara was sort of a bit lower than I expected - maybe it ran down just a little bit in the snow. She wore grey sweatpants and a turquoise hoodie. She wore tennis shoes on the hike. Her lower legs were positively soaked in the car. That's why she was cold. But she didn't really even mention anything about cold (even when I asked her).
I walked her to the outside of her dorm. I was chicken or I wasn't ready (probably the latter), so I said goodbye with a tight hug. No kiss yet, but I'm not afraid of when it will happen.
That's good enough for now. I have a girlfriend for the first time ever. My motivations are pure, she is sweet and beautiful, and it is well.
---
We decided to go back where I first asked her out, but before we left, I wanted to share my journal entry from the day following. This is how I recounted the experience.
April 4, 2009 ~7 pm
---
...
Jump ahead to last night and early this morning. I went on another date with Cynthia. We were supposed to go to an art gallery of the sister of her friend Ana. That sort of fell through. I met her friend Sid, had Spanish Tortilla (which she cooked at her dorm), and drove out to Golden instead.
Rather crazily, we decided to go on a hike in the snow and in the dark. It was cold, hard to walk (because it was slick), and totally fantastic. We went up to the M because I know it very well. We walked up to the top left corner (on the outside of the fence) and embraced for a very long time. Early on in the embrace (perhaps
"barely" 11 pm) I nervously told her I needed to talk to her sometime. She nudged me on by saying "okay, when?" "I suppose now is as good as any time," I continued.
The snow was fluctuating between light and hard. We were fairly warm there together. Down the hill, where you can see Golden and Denver on a clear night, we were surrounded by a cloud that obscured all but two lights. Until suddenly the clouds would break a little revealing what looked like constellations below. When it was just the two lights I felt like we might have been out at sea suddenly coming into view of a lighthouse. It was quiet except for our voices, the wind, the snow, and the occasional car. Well, I suppose I could hear the highway off in the distance. "Well, okay. I'm pretty nervous," I said.
She said, "I make you nervous?"
"No, I make me nervous. I don't know what I'm doing."
"It's okay, don't be nervous."
"Okay. I really like you and I really like spending time with you."
"I really like you too."
The rest of the dialogue is a little fuzzy. I proceeded to explain that I have no experience in having girlfriends and that was why I was nervous. She reassured me she thought I was doing fine. We talked there a long time. She talked about her experience in relationships... she hasn't had many boyfriends either. After probably a half an hour we started to make our descent. On the way down I explained that that was probably the closest to a DTR that I could do.
"Are you going to ask me?" She said.
I said, "Ummm. Yes." (and I thought, "you dummy, ask her then") "Okay," I continued, "would you be... or would you like to be considered as my girlfriend?"
I was so nervous. This is virgin territory for me. I knew she was interested, but I was nervous because I really don't know what being a boyfriend exactly implies... She said "it means you don't kiss other girls." She went on that we would have a Christ-centered relationship and we would pray for guidance about what this would all be like. Did I ever mention I like this girl? I had been having the exact same desires in the past few weeks as I was thinking about what a relationship should be like. We had made it back to the established path by then. The snow was at its thickest then.
When we made it back to the car, someone drove up from the opposite direction. They were slowing down. ("What the heck," I was thinking). Did the lights flash on or did the cop just come out and start talking to us? I don't remember. He asked if we'd had anything to drink. "No," we both answered. He went into a spiel about underaged drinking. "I'm 22." He continued.
"What are you guys doing?"
"We were hiking."
"At this time of night? In this weather?"
"Yeah."
I was a bit sheepish, it was obviously dangerous and foolish. I explained about the flashlight that wouldn't work, that I was in Blue Key and knew the M well, and in general was a blabbering fool. He relaxed his demeanor and explained why this was a bad idea and how if he was from Jeffco instead I'd probably be getting a ticket. He was actually very nice by the end and just warned us to be careful on the way down because visibility was poor and there were many accidents.
Eventually Cynthia and I made it back to Regis where we sat and talked for more than an hour (until past 2 am). I was nervous again. Should I kiss her? I was a chicken. I was open with my fears. We talked about boundaries (and what better time than to discuss this before any barrier is breached). She was holding my hand.
"Is holding hands okay?" she asked me.
"Yes," I chuckled.
"Sex is off limits," she said at some point - which I know that she knew I was on the same level with her.
"I'm okay with kissing, I think," I told her.
"Me too."
She sat in what I thought must be an uncomfortable position the whole time (though she denied any discomfort at all) so that she could rest against my chest. Our hands were intertwined and her's were caressing mine. My heart was thudding hard in my chest. We talked a long time. She looked so pretty and the look she would give me dazzled me. Her mascara was sort of a bit lower than I expected - maybe it ran down just a little bit in the snow. She wore grey sweatpants and a turquoise hoodie. She wore tennis shoes on the hike. Her lower legs were positively soaked in the car. That's why she was cold. But she didn't really even mention anything about cold (even when I asked her).
I walked her to the outside of her dorm. I was chicken or I wasn't ready (probably the latter), so I said goodbye with a tight hug. No kiss yet, but I'm not afraid of when it will happen.
That's good enough for now. I have a girlfriend for the first time ever. My motivations are pure, she is sweet and beautiful, and it is well.
---
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Presentation at Regis
Yesterday, I had the honor of speaking in a class at Regis University. The class focuses on a leadership model called the "Social Change Model" developed at UCLA in 1993 and the teachers asked me to share about my experience working on Compassion by the Book (CBTB).
Since I was unfamiliar with the Social Change Model, I met with the teachers to discuss the course content and to ask how they would like me to focus my presentation to best help the students. They asked that I share my experience, struggles, and motivation. Hopefully my presentation demonstrated the values of Compassion by the Book and the process outlined by the Social Change Model.
My presentation is below. Hit the "play" button and after it loads, click on the "More" button to expand the presentation to full screen. Then use the play button to navigate from point-to-point (you can also use the left and right arrow keys on your keyboard).
Since I was unfamiliar with the Social Change Model, I met with the teachers to discuss the course content and to ask how they would like me to focus my presentation to best help the students. They asked that I share my experience, struggles, and motivation. Hopefully my presentation demonstrated the values of Compassion by the Book and the process outlined by the Social Change Model.
My presentation is below. Hit the "play" button and after it loads, click on the "More" button to expand the presentation to full screen. Then use the play button to navigate from point-to-point (you can also use the left and right arrow keys on your keyboard).
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