I was going through one of the hardest times of my life from December 2017-March 2018. Dealing with what I took as persecution, discrimination, and unfair treatment at the hands of people more powerful than I. I resisted, I fought, and I ultimately never received the apology or justice I felt I deserved. In the midst of my pain and struggle, I spoke with a colleague, who said the following words: "Kurtis, God has not left you." I broke down and cried. I beat my chest, fell to my knees, laid myself down in surrender on the floor of my home.
Within a few days, I wrote this.
God has not left you
When you are weary from
the world, tired of fighting,
and lost all hope
God has not left you
When you are attacked, persecuted,
and crushed
He has not left you
When you have tried everything
to remedy your pain and
it's still not enough
He has not left you
When you begin to doubt yourself
and wonder if it's worth it
He is with you
When it feels like no one listens
and the burden is yours alone
He is with you
When injustice and corruption seem
to be winning
He is with you
When you break down and cry out
to Him
He is with you
When fear, anxiety, and brokenness
consume you
He is with you
When you don't know what the future holds
He is with you
Friday, March 8, 2019
Old memos from spiritual journey
77) One day at a time, sweet Jesus.
It's about time you guys came up here to shake a leg!
6/21 by Marie Powell
76) Owensville -> Bainbridge: miles
Bainbridge -> McArthur: 57 miles
McArthur -> Athens -> Good Works: 32 miles
Athens -> Parkersburg: 56 miles
Parkersburg -> Salem: 70 miles
Salem -> Grafton: 32 miles
Grafton -> Mtn Lake Park:
->
Cumberland -> Hancock: 63
Hancock -> Shepherdstown: 56
Shepherdstown -> Great Falls: 73
Rockville -> Alexandria: 33
Alexandria -> Mount Veron -> Alex: 31
Alexandria -> Rockville (UPS) -> 29
75) We have all of Him, but we don't give Him all of us. Second blessings. Unspoken concerns.
74) When people seek spiritual truth, too often they either just take whatever it is they're told or they do nothing at all. 6/17-midnight (12:12am)
73) God, I am just so sick of me right now. All I want is you. Who am I, but your creation. What worth am I apart from You.
I don't want me anymore. I get in the way of us. How can I be with you every second? How can I praise you and learn your ways?
My thoughts, they complicate. My pride, it cripples me. I cannot think straight and I cannot walk in your will when they take over.
Oh, how I fail still. Knowing your truth, yet I cannot act in the knowledge I have of you. Weak body or weak soul, I don't know. It is my mind that is small. Not fully comprehending you and incapable of purest thoughts.
6/18/2009 ~8:10am
72) George Mueller (prayer life)
Hudson Taylor
71) Met Tim Tolliver shortly after Olney. First question he asked was "are you on Crazy Guy on a Bike"? He was really nice. He and his wife bike state parks on touring bikes. A friend of his (probably the guy who offered us help in Flora, the one with the blue truck) said to him he'd seen us and that we were staying at the Flora Motel. He suggested finding a different route (besides 50) for after Washington, In. He said there would be no shoulder and that coal laden trucks from the area would not be considerate.
Tammy cooked us some of the most delicious egg, sausage, bisquit sandwiches I have ever had. Unfortunately, she was already booked with activities and couldn't join us for breakfast.
70) I don't like being in a position where I feel like I have to rush. And that's where I felt I was.
68) This is where fiction lives. Put down your book and just see for yourself.
Live in the (each) moment. We get so caught up in what we have to do that we don't take the time to realize the life we have. 6/4/2009 ~5pm ish
I want to enjoy every day for what it is. I am privileged. Yet, I don't want to isolate myself from the pain and suffering of this world. If I am privileged, it is for a reason. I want to do something to help those in need. 6/5/2009 ~1:15pm
I may have a thousand moments like this. How can I remember them all? The peace penetrates me. My mind, my soul, my heart. The beauty is unbelieveable. This little winery (Sugar Creek) is so far from the world I'm used to. What is heaven if there is such beauty and peace here? 6/5/2009 ~ 1:20pm
67) I was afraid there was something I should be doing, but was not. How do I know what to do, what to think, what to believe everywhere I go? I am presented with new ideas and new experiences everywhere. I have so much to learn. When I encounter something new I don't always know how to react.
Those new ideas can complicate things. My thoughts, my faith, whatnot. I will hold fast to my core. To love God with all my heart, soul, and mind and to love my neighbors as myself. I can do that with relative ease. I believe it and I live it. Then there is a confusion about specific practices, seeing spiritual things, etc. that I simply don't know what to do. I will do whatever God tells me to. I won't be afraid of judgement if I do not believe exactly what others believe. God will show me the truth if/when it is time.
I fell to something my pastor Michael warned me about. I was trying to become hyperspiritual. I was looking for a spiritual reason for everything. My imagination would run wild as a child when reading the Old Testament. Were those stories how I should be experiencing God now? My heart became pressed to find the source of my frustration. It lie in my confusion about spiritual things I could not see nor had any experience with that kept coming up. Am I doing something wrong if I don't know what to believe in regards to spiritual attacks or angels or demons or speaking in tongues or prophesying. I don't understand those things and it made me feel wrong to not understand.
Well, God called me back to Him in the last couple days. He wanted me to understand that I interact with Him in a different way than anyone else. I am no one's carbon copy. God reveals Himself in different ways and gives different instruction to everyone. I simply go where He tells me and leave my preconceived notions and scared anticipation behind. 6/1/2009 ~1:30pm
66) Is this what we need to hear? Have I less faith if I don't think about the end times? Or if I do not speak in tongues?
How much should I concern myself with prophecy about the end times? Only so much as what Jesus says to. He told us to love. Why do we care (why do we worry) about what is to come. We do not know. Even the prophets could not know the time of events to come. So what should we do? We should prepare our hearts and live in the Kingdom of Heaven.
What of the Holy Spirit? I have felt the Holy Spirit. I believe it was given. So? I have not spoken in tongues. I have not prophesied. Does that mean they don't exist? No. Whether someone can or cannot is not for me to decide or judge.
--written sometime during trip likely in eastern Kansas or Missouri.
60) Amidst all my busyness, I have not remembered the significance of my bicycle trip. I was building the ark last semester and now it is raining. I am almost on my voyage. How could I lose sight of the implications? God has given me a mission and I was always going to take it. But I was without emotion for several months after my progress slowed and I eased into the comfort of knowing all would be okay. Because of that I felt empty. I did not see (and surely won't understand fully until some other time) the implications of this trip. God has already changed my heart and He will do so much more.
I don't even understand my feeling right now. I know I've felt desensitized again. I felt like I haven't been really living... somewhat like a drone. 8:10, 5/18/2009
59) Some people call them Sunday Christians, today I heard them likened to Nicodemus (outwardly obedient, but not alive inside), and in February, Michael said it was a difference between knowing about God and knowing God. They all describe my spiritual awakening as I changed from subconscious semi-follower of Jesus to aware of life found in Him. I was a Christian all my life by heritage (that is, I was raised Christian or Christian by coincidence), but I now can claim active participance in the kingdom and life Jesus gives.
The difference was profound. Lost to found. Dead to live. Dark to light. Day and night. 5/14 ~ 9:15
What awakens us? This is no small number of believers so why didn't I see it before? What does it take to see the truth before our eyes?
God's love shown somehow. Friends, strangers... others? Surely. State of heart. Wounded, broken, ready for change.
Perhaps we are oblivious because of self-centeredness. We don't seek God because we know no better.
56) Intellect blinds me from feeling. Too much thought about things we cannot understand but through experiencing. Too much trying to explain what is beyond comprehension. Understanding isn't always knowledge. Understanding of life is known by felt peace that truth brings. Yet, my truth and yours may not align. We cannot have it all right. What is His truth? because of uncertainty, what is certain? And how can we know? Do we ignore the possibility of a truth we have never encountered. We must listen to the wise and listen for God's truth. Truth is sometimes unproven, but no less true. - 5/10 11:30am ----- More than this Love so amazing demands my all come to: real, honest, true... Understanding, life, meaning, purpose, wisdom, communion, purity, unselfishness, commitment, accept humanity coming from: fake, lies, false... Confusion, death, pointlessness, futile, foolishness, separation (loneliness), desparation, judgement what do you serve? Is it everlasting? ----- Jesucristo gracias por la vida que me das. Has amado sin razon y por eso te adoro. Sacrificio no entender ----- 4/29 - 8:30pm I knew then I would follow Him. that meant where ever He led me. I would pray all day for Jason, for Brittany, for Ariel, for Mark, for Levi, for Cynthia, for the world. I want to. A neverending prayer for them to you that you fill them with your life. I want to pray without ceasing. Teach me. The causes are so worthy. Is it not worth all my attention? How do I give it all for you? ----- Baptism 4/19/09 - 11:15am When I was baptized at 8 years old I had no spiritual awakening and I had had no awakening before that time. I was doing what Chrisitans do. I knew about God and believed in Jesus Christ, but there was no rebirth in me as I was dipped in the water. Should I be baptized again by a man now that my faith in Jesus Christ has been fully realized? No. I have been baptized by Jesus Christ himself. My soul is reborn. My life changed. I need no symbol to show my commitment to a life I live not for myself, but for my God. My old life in this world is done and gone. I cannot return to my confusion. I am reborn only by the grace of God. For He pursued me first. I could not argue with the evidence provided me that He wants me. I experience His love and I could not turn from that. His love is free and it is not. He will never stop giving love. I must accept it. And that is not free because in accepting His love I pay a price. I must die. My old life in the world must be done away with. Full pursuit of God's truth is what I pay. ----- 4/13 - 11am Tell me you don't want love. I dare you. Are you in despair? Is that why? It all seems pointless? I tell you you have no choice. You are loved. An the greatest thing of this love is it's unending, unceasing power over this world. No matter what you do, no matter what happens, His love spells victory over burdens and sorrow. It is more than you can know, but IT IS, whether we want it, accept it, or realize it. ---------New entry ---- I know you. Everything about you. You walk in silence. I hear your thoughts. You labor in pain. I know your motives. You weep in sorrow, destitution. I understand. I love you. You sing and dance. I celebrate life with you. I want you. You don't seek me. I am with you. You ignore me. I could fill you. You turn and run. I give life. You live in death. It is finished. You can rest. I am. 4/11 (finished 7am) ----------------------- I know why you live, why you cry, why you dance, what you hold inside. Every thought , every move, every smile. (from 4/10) ---New Entry--- Easter (to the melody of How Deep the Father's Love for Us): 4/9 and 4/11 Pain and sorrow were laid to rest Hope seemed lost, but He came back. He proved His love and cleared our names at last our debts have been repayed. So long we lived each day for us, His grace and love are sure enough to fill the void we can't ourselves free at last from our own hell. That we at last return to Him we once were lost, but now we're found. Brought back by love and ne'er again to face this life apart from Him. ----(cont...)--- Our foolish ways and lonely days need be no more His death brought life I owe Him all I owe Him naught but return the love His parents and friends mourned, was their hope lost? Nay, for life reborn emerged that day His greatest o love for all ---New entry--- Surrender. Surrender to the life He offers. We may believe, but not give in to the freedom and peace from troubles. We are burdened by the world, but His grace frees us! Why don't we take it in? Why aren't we changed? Is it because we lack understanding? Is it because we have not experienced His love? I am free. I've surrendered. Nothing in this life has greater significance than His love. After this, the pain and troubles which cause sorrow are not my burden. I let Him take them from me. Glory to God in the highest! Praise be to His name for His mercy and grace, His compassion and love. Please opent the hearts of my brothers, Lord. Please show them your truth and let it change them. I feel their hurt and know you alone permanently alleviate it all. Amen. 4/5/2009 -11:30 ----- 3/29 -11am I think I have the spiritual gift of crying. 3/22 - 2:22 Are you waiting for the future? Why not 3/29 ... live in the future now. 3/22/09 - 11:40am And how much did I know the kingdom before January? How much did I know I was in it? Was I already there (or aware I was there, or having greater understanding of God's love demonstrated through these people), I would not have been so profoundly affected by the welcome and love of these visitors. I now believe I was incomplete without knowing God's love. I did not really know it. Now I let it pervade my life. I am today in His kingdom. I will spread it just as it was spread to me, for it is of greatest worth to be where He and His love dwells. To choose His kingdom, one must know there is such a place. I never wanted to leave His kingdom again and never could. Cru 3/19 Romans 12:1-2 Decision vs commitment commitment goes way beyond. A lot of people have made a decision for Christ, but not fully committed. -------------- If I have found the answer, the light, the good news... I remember being lost. There is no way I cannot petition for all the other souls on earth in prayer that they would find You too. 3/17 7:05pm The most painful death imaginable, pain of hunger, suffocation, hardest impact... It is all joy compared to life outside His Kingdom. Greater sorrow I cannot imagine than to not be in His Kingdom now. And I am in His Kingdom now. I want everyone else to escape self-withheld (comfort), peace, and joy.
75) We have all of Him, but we don't give Him all of us. Second blessings. Unspoken concerns.
74) When people seek spiritual truth, too often they either just take whatever it is they're told or they do nothing at all. 6/17-midnight (12:12am)
73) God, I am just so sick of me right now. All I want is you. Who am I, but your creation. What worth am I apart from You.
I don't want me anymore. I get in the way of us. How can I be with you every second? How can I praise you and learn your ways?
My thoughts, they complicate. My pride, it cripples me. I cannot think straight and I cannot walk in your will when they take over.
Oh, how I fail still. Knowing your truth, yet I cannot act in the knowledge I have of you. Weak body or weak soul, I don't know. It is my mind that is small. Not fully comprehending you and incapable of purest thoughts.
6/18/2009 ~8:10am
72) George Mueller (prayer life)
Hudson Taylor
71) Met Tim Tolliver shortly after Olney. First question he asked was "are you on Crazy Guy on a Bike"? He was really nice. He and his wife bike state parks on touring bikes. A friend of his (probably the guy who offered us help in Flora, the one with the blue truck) said to him he'd seen us and that we were staying at the Flora Motel. He suggested finding a different route (besides 50) for after Washington, In. He said there would be no shoulder and that coal laden trucks from the area would not be considerate.
Tammy cooked us some of the most delicious egg, sausage, bisquit sandwiches I have ever had. Unfortunately, she was already booked with activities and couldn't join us for breakfast.
70) I don't like being in a position where I feel like I have to rush. And that's where I felt I was.
68) This is where fiction lives. Put down your book and just see for yourself.
Live in the (each) moment. We get so caught up in what we have to do that we don't take the time to realize the life we have. 6/4/2009 ~5pm ish
I want to enjoy every day for what it is. I am privileged. Yet, I don't want to isolate myself from the pain and suffering of this world. If I am privileged, it is for a reason. I want to do something to help those in need. 6/5/2009 ~1:15pm
I may have a thousand moments like this. How can I remember them all? The peace penetrates me. My mind, my soul, my heart. The beauty is unbelieveable. This little winery (Sugar Creek) is so far from the world I'm used to. What is heaven if there is such beauty and peace here? 6/5/2009 ~ 1:20pm
67) I was afraid there was something I should be doing, but was not. How do I know what to do, what to think, what to believe everywhere I go? I am presented with new ideas and new experiences everywhere. I have so much to learn. When I encounter something new I don't always know how to react.
Those new ideas can complicate things. My thoughts, my faith, whatnot. I will hold fast to my core. To love God with all my heart, soul, and mind and to love my neighbors as myself. I can do that with relative ease. I believe it and I live it. Then there is a confusion about specific practices, seeing spiritual things, etc. that I simply don't know what to do. I will do whatever God tells me to. I won't be afraid of judgement if I do not believe exactly what others believe. God will show me the truth if/when it is time.
I fell to something my pastor Michael warned me about. I was trying to become hyperspiritual. I was looking for a spiritual reason for everything. My imagination would run wild as a child when reading the Old Testament. Were those stories how I should be experiencing God now? My heart became pressed to find the source of my frustration. It lie in my confusion about spiritual things I could not see nor had any experience with that kept coming up. Am I doing something wrong if I don't know what to believe in regards to spiritual attacks or angels or demons or speaking in tongues or prophesying. I don't understand those things and it made me feel wrong to not understand.
Well, God called me back to Him in the last couple days. He wanted me to understand that I interact with Him in a different way than anyone else. I am no one's carbon copy. God reveals Himself in different ways and gives different instruction to everyone. I simply go where He tells me and leave my preconceived notions and scared anticipation behind. 6/1/2009 ~1:30pm
66) Is this what we need to hear? Have I less faith if I don't think about the end times? Or if I do not speak in tongues?
How much should I concern myself with prophecy about the end times? Only so much as what Jesus says to. He told us to love. Why do we care (why do we worry) about what is to come. We do not know. Even the prophets could not know the time of events to come. So what should we do? We should prepare our hearts and live in the Kingdom of Heaven.
What of the Holy Spirit? I have felt the Holy Spirit. I believe it was given. So? I have not spoken in tongues. I have not prophesied. Does that mean they don't exist? No. Whether someone can or cannot is not for me to decide or judge.
--written sometime during trip likely in eastern Kansas or Missouri.
60) Amidst all my busyness, I have not remembered the significance of my bicycle trip. I was building the ark last semester and now it is raining. I am almost on my voyage. How could I lose sight of the implications? God has given me a mission and I was always going to take it. But I was without emotion for several months after my progress slowed and I eased into the comfort of knowing all would be okay. Because of that I felt empty. I did not see (and surely won't understand fully until some other time) the implications of this trip. God has already changed my heart and He will do so much more.
I don't even understand my feeling right now. I know I've felt desensitized again. I felt like I haven't been really living... somewhat like a drone. 8:10, 5/18/2009
59) Some people call them Sunday Christians, today I heard them likened to Nicodemus (outwardly obedient, but not alive inside), and in February, Michael said it was a difference between knowing about God and knowing God. They all describe my spiritual awakening as I changed from subconscious semi-follower of Jesus to aware of life found in Him. I was a Christian all my life by heritage (that is, I was raised Christian or Christian by coincidence), but I now can claim active participance in the kingdom and life Jesus gives.
The difference was profound. Lost to found. Dead to live. Dark to light. Day and night. 5/14 ~ 9:15
What awakens us? This is no small number of believers so why didn't I see it before? What does it take to see the truth before our eyes?
God's love shown somehow. Friends, strangers... others? Surely. State of heart. Wounded, broken, ready for change.
Perhaps we are oblivious because of self-centeredness. We don't seek God because we know no better.
56) Intellect blinds me from feeling. Too much thought about things we cannot understand but through experiencing. Too much trying to explain what is beyond comprehension. Understanding isn't always knowledge. Understanding of life is known by felt peace that truth brings. Yet, my truth and yours may not align. We cannot have it all right. What is His truth? because of uncertainty, what is certain? And how can we know? Do we ignore the possibility of a truth we have never encountered. We must listen to the wise and listen for God's truth. Truth is sometimes unproven, but no less true. - 5/10 11:30am ----- More than this Love so amazing demands my all come to: real, honest, true... Understanding, life, meaning, purpose, wisdom, communion, purity, unselfishness, commitment, accept humanity coming from: fake, lies, false... Confusion, death, pointlessness, futile, foolishness, separation (loneliness), desparation, judgement what do you serve? Is it everlasting? ----- Jesucristo gracias por la vida que me das. Has amado sin razon y por eso te adoro. Sacrificio no entender ----- 4/29 - 8:30pm I knew then I would follow Him. that meant where ever He led me. I would pray all day for Jason, for Brittany, for Ariel, for Mark, for Levi, for Cynthia, for the world. I want to. A neverending prayer for them to you that you fill them with your life. I want to pray without ceasing. Teach me. The causes are so worthy. Is it not worth all my attention? How do I give it all for you? ----- Baptism 4/19/09 - 11:15am When I was baptized at 8 years old I had no spiritual awakening and I had had no awakening before that time. I was doing what Chrisitans do. I knew about God and believed in Jesus Christ, but there was no rebirth in me as I was dipped in the water. Should I be baptized again by a man now that my faith in Jesus Christ has been fully realized? No. I have been baptized by Jesus Christ himself. My soul is reborn. My life changed. I need no symbol to show my commitment to a life I live not for myself, but for my God. My old life in this world is done and gone. I cannot return to my confusion. I am reborn only by the grace of God. For He pursued me first. I could not argue with the evidence provided me that He wants me. I experience His love and I could not turn from that. His love is free and it is not. He will never stop giving love. I must accept it. And that is not free because in accepting His love I pay a price. I must die. My old life in the world must be done away with. Full pursuit of God's truth is what I pay. ----- 4/13 - 11am Tell me you don't want love. I dare you. Are you in despair? Is that why? It all seems pointless? I tell you you have no choice. You are loved. An the greatest thing of this love is it's unending, unceasing power over this world. No matter what you do, no matter what happens, His love spells victory over burdens and sorrow. It is more than you can know, but IT IS, whether we want it, accept it, or realize it. ---------New entry ---- I know you. Everything about you. You walk in silence. I hear your thoughts. You labor in pain. I know your motives. You weep in sorrow, destitution. I understand. I love you. You sing and dance. I celebrate life with you. I want you. You don't seek me. I am with you. You ignore me. I could fill you. You turn and run. I give life. You live in death. It is finished. You can rest. I am. 4/11 (finished 7am) ----------------------- I know why you live, why you cry, why you dance, what you hold inside. Every thought , every move, every smile. (from 4/10) ---New Entry--- Easter (to the melody of How Deep the Father's Love for Us): 4/9 and 4/11 Pain and sorrow were laid to rest Hope seemed lost, but He came back. He proved His love and cleared our names at last our debts have been repayed. So long we lived each day for us, His grace and love are sure enough to fill the void we can't ourselves free at last from our own hell. That we at last return to Him we once were lost, but now we're found. Brought back by love and ne'er again to face this life apart from Him. ----(cont...)--- Our foolish ways and lonely days need be no more His death brought life I owe Him all I owe Him naught but return the love His parents and friends mourned, was their hope lost? Nay, for life reborn emerged that day His greatest o love for all ---New entry--- Surrender. Surrender to the life He offers. We may believe, but not give in to the freedom and peace from troubles. We are burdened by the world, but His grace frees us! Why don't we take it in? Why aren't we changed? Is it because we lack understanding? Is it because we have not experienced His love? I am free. I've surrendered. Nothing in this life has greater significance than His love. After this, the pain and troubles which cause sorrow are not my burden. I let Him take them from me. Glory to God in the highest! Praise be to His name for His mercy and grace, His compassion and love. Please opent the hearts of my brothers, Lord. Please show them your truth and let it change them. I feel their hurt and know you alone permanently alleviate it all. Amen. 4/5/2009 -11:30 ----- 3/29 -11am I think I have the spiritual gift of crying. 3/22 - 2:22 Are you waiting for the future? Why not 3/29 ... live in the future now. 3/22/09 - 11:40am And how much did I know the kingdom before January? How much did I know I was in it? Was I already there (or aware I was there, or having greater understanding of God's love demonstrated through these people), I would not have been so profoundly affected by the welcome and love of these visitors. I now believe I was incomplete without knowing God's love. I did not really know it. Now I let it pervade my life. I am today in His kingdom. I will spread it just as it was spread to me, for it is of greatest worth to be where He and His love dwells. To choose His kingdom, one must know there is such a place. I never wanted to leave His kingdom again and never could. Cru 3/19 Romans 12:1-2 Decision vs commitment commitment goes way beyond. A lot of people have made a decision for Christ, but not fully committed. -------------- If I have found the answer, the light, the good news... I remember being lost. There is no way I cannot petition for all the other souls on earth in prayer that they would find You too. 3/17 7:05pm The most painful death imaginable, pain of hunger, suffocation, hardest impact... It is all joy compared to life outside His Kingdom. Greater sorrow I cannot imagine than to not be in His Kingdom now. And I am in His Kingdom now. I want everyone else to escape self-withheld (comfort), peace, and joy.
3/5 737pm
What will heaven be like?
No more human pain and suffering?
No more foolish mistakes and sins?
God in all his glory and splendor!
At last with him and no more distractions!
And should we wait until that day?
Why not start eternity now?
There is no reason. None at all.
Yes we are human and sin.
Can we not be in the kingdom already?
3/4 745pm
When all is well we don't need him.
I don't need you
I'm happy where I am
I have all I ever wanted
I have almost all I could hope for
All I need is wealth and fame
All I need is attention
All I need a success
All I need is happiness
But what is all that?
What is ambition for?
In what ways does having fame and
wealth bring me happiness?
Why do I crave attention?
What success brings me joy?
What is in my heart?
Why should I not serve myself?
I am first and foremost.
My neighbor can take care of themselves.
We are all broken
Tell me you are whole
Look at yourself and tell me you're perfect
Tell me why I should care about you?
I am first and foremost.
You ask why you should help me
You are first and foremost
What if I am not the most important?
What if I could help your suffering?
What if I examined myself and
discovered I am missing something?
What could be wrong with me so I have it all?
Why do I make these mistakes?
Why do I have pain?
Why am I distressed?
My heart is sore from the things of this world,
though I have all I ever wanted.
Right?
Something is missing.
I will search.
What is there to fill this void?
To ease my pain, fix my hurt
Am I satisfied at the first sign of comfort?
I tried material wealth
I wanted more, this wouldn't satisfy
I tried knowledge
I could not learn it all, too many questions remain
I tried relationships
They were broken
I tried to hide
I could not hide from my heart
I tried to run
I could not escape myself
What is missing?
2/28 9:50am
Are we not an amazing civilization? Have we not done spectacular things with our knowledge, our natural bounty, and our privileges? Look at our buildings with their great architecture, structural integrity, and all their amenities. Do we not live in great comfort and have all we could need? We are truly blessed. Look at how we entertain ourselves. We have advanced our technological capabilities to various ends, we enjoy leisure in nature, our great roadways and vehicles take us where we need to go, we have adapted nature to our needs when it is too hot or too cold allowing us to live anywhere in the comfort we desire. We have much knowledge and it is freely available.
We are a society that has been blessed beyond measure. We cannot count all the ways. Our society is rampant with selfishness in all corners. We have squandered our gifts to make ourselves more happy and comfortable. We have lived beyond our means to live in luxury. Luxury has betrayed us. For what do we want that we cannot have? Why do we 'need' so much? I use more than I need. What I 'need'is subjective. I make excuses to justify my luxurious lifestyle. In truth, I know exactly what is essential to survive. Food, water, shelter, clothing... relationships. While I over-eat, -drink, -spend, -use, and have my greed or conform to others' standards, my neighbors suffer. Everywhere they suffer. I hope they have all they need, but I know they do not. What can we do? Why should we care?
2/1 ~4:15pm
Two things before I get started on what God has been teaching me. One I'm not ready for everything all at once. God will prepare my heart before I need to use new skills. I do not need to be ready just because I had this awakening two weeks ago (so to speak). I was not ready then for what was to come, but God softened my heart (through trusted wisdom of friends, prayer, and dwelling in scripture) and helped me learn and grow. He will guide me every step and prepare me for what is to come in an orderly and timely fashion. I need to maintain patience and know when I am ready or not for certain things. Oh and I forgot the second thing. I'm still excited.
2/6/2009 ~11am
What is in my hands? Weather is not. Other people are not. Only my decisions. What does this mean, what will I choose to do? God's got the whole world in his hands. He sees all, knows all. He does not control my every action. Or my thoughts. Why would I give myself as a servant to him? Ought I reply 'where else would I go?' Out should I be more intentive with my response? How about, the creator of the universe wants me to be in relationship with him. He gives me life, breath, joy, happiness. He can take it away as well. He could impose dominion over me, but gives me a choice. I am more fulfilled when I live with him in my heart and mind and I want to please him.
2/21 ~10am
We are the jewels in your crown (crown jewels) O lord tarnished by sin, but your glory shines through your Son's sacrifice. Your people, your children can be made clean and resplendent by acceptance of your grace. Let us shine as bright (brighter than!) as the stars for you, bringing worth and glory to you. Why would we want to be dusty, dirty, or smudged when we know we can be clean and pure. We are with you and you with us whether we know it or not. I want to be beautiful in your sight all for your glory and splendor. Why should I be jealous of my brothers or sisters? The only thing of true worth is love. Your love and our love. We have your love so we should not be jealous of our neighbors. We should all seek to be as shimmering jewels as possible. Should I have pride in how I shine? Yes, but I should want all others as bright as me.
What will heaven be like?
No more human pain and suffering?
No more foolish mistakes and sins?
God in all his glory and splendor!
At last with him and no more distractions!
And should we wait until that day?
Why not start eternity now?
There is no reason. None at all.
Yes we are human and sin.
Can we not be in the kingdom already?
3/4 745pm
When all is well we don't need him.
I don't need you
I'm happy where I am
I have all I ever wanted
I have almost all I could hope for
All I need is wealth and fame
All I need is attention
All I need a success
All I need is happiness
But what is all that?
What is ambition for?
In what ways does having fame and
wealth bring me happiness?
Why do I crave attention?
What success brings me joy?
What is in my heart?
Why should I not serve myself?
I am first and foremost.
My neighbor can take care of themselves.
We are all broken
Tell me you are whole
Look at yourself and tell me you're perfect
Tell me why I should care about you?
I am first and foremost.
You ask why you should help me
You are first and foremost
What if I am not the most important?
What if I could help your suffering?
What if I examined myself and
discovered I am missing something?
What could be wrong with me so I have it all?
Why do I make these mistakes?
Why do I have pain?
Why am I distressed?
My heart is sore from the things of this world,
though I have all I ever wanted.
Right?
Something is missing.
I will search.
What is there to fill this void?
To ease my pain, fix my hurt
Am I satisfied at the first sign of comfort?
I tried material wealth
I wanted more, this wouldn't satisfy
I tried knowledge
I could not learn it all, too many questions remain
I tried relationships
They were broken
I tried to hide
I could not hide from my heart
I tried to run
I could not escape myself
What is missing?
2/28 9:50am
Are we not an amazing civilization? Have we not done spectacular things with our knowledge, our natural bounty, and our privileges? Look at our buildings with their great architecture, structural integrity, and all their amenities. Do we not live in great comfort and have all we could need? We are truly blessed. Look at how we entertain ourselves. We have advanced our technological capabilities to various ends, we enjoy leisure in nature, our great roadways and vehicles take us where we need to go, we have adapted nature to our needs when it is too hot or too cold allowing us to live anywhere in the comfort we desire. We have much knowledge and it is freely available.
We are a society that has been blessed beyond measure. We cannot count all the ways. Our society is rampant with selfishness in all corners. We have squandered our gifts to make ourselves more happy and comfortable. We have lived beyond our means to live in luxury. Luxury has betrayed us. For what do we want that we cannot have? Why do we 'need' so much? I use more than I need. What I 'need'is subjective. I make excuses to justify my luxurious lifestyle. In truth, I know exactly what is essential to survive. Food, water, shelter, clothing... relationships. While I over-eat, -drink, -spend, -use, and have my greed or conform to others' standards, my neighbors suffer. Everywhere they suffer. I hope they have all they need, but I know they do not. What can we do? Why should we care?
2/1 ~4:15pm
Two things before I get started on what God has been teaching me. One I'm not ready for everything all at once. God will prepare my heart before I need to use new skills. I do not need to be ready just because I had this awakening two weeks ago (so to speak). I was not ready then for what was to come, but God softened my heart (through trusted wisdom of friends, prayer, and dwelling in scripture) and helped me learn and grow. He will guide me every step and prepare me for what is to come in an orderly and timely fashion. I need to maintain patience and know when I am ready or not for certain things. Oh and I forgot the second thing. I'm still excited.
2/6/2009 ~11am
What is in my hands? Weather is not. Other people are not. Only my decisions. What does this mean, what will I choose to do? God's got the whole world in his hands. He sees all, knows all. He does not control my every action. Or my thoughts. Why would I give myself as a servant to him? Ought I reply 'where else would I go?' Out should I be more intentive with my response? How about, the creator of the universe wants me to be in relationship with him. He gives me life, breath, joy, happiness. He can take it away as well. He could impose dominion over me, but gives me a choice. I am more fulfilled when I live with him in my heart and mind and I want to please him.
2/21 ~10am
We are the jewels in your crown (crown jewels) O lord tarnished by sin, but your glory shines through your Son's sacrifice. Your people, your children can be made clean and resplendent by acceptance of your grace. Let us shine as bright (brighter than!) as the stars for you, bringing worth and glory to you. Why would we want to be dusty, dirty, or smudged when we know we can be clean and pure. We are with you and you with us whether we know it or not. I want to be beautiful in your sight all for your glory and splendor. Why should I be jealous of my brothers or sisters? The only thing of true worth is love. Your love and our love. We have your love so we should not be jealous of our neighbors. We should all seek to be as shimmering jewels as possible. Should I have pride in how I shine? Yes, but I should want all others as bright as me.
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